Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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