life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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