I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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