she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
