8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
