Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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