I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
