Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
