Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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