dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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