you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
