tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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