We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
