how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
