You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
