Apparently you make a good broom.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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