sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
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