wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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