Reggie can tackle my bush.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
