I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
