last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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