I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
