Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Actions speak louder than pants.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
