My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
