Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
It's shark week go big or go home
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
