It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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