Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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