So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
