Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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