My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
