I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
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If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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