he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
