my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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