You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
