i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
