listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
