The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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