Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
