my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
