Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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