I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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