Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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