I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
