and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Randomize
