wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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