Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
