Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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