This is not my ceiling
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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