last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
