yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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