I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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