Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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