You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
