Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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