I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
